2 PM thoughts

I noticed with life is it there is one problem, especially mentally. It’s usually symptom of a larger cohesive problem that is holding you back on many fronts. Half of these problems arose when I was a child, the thought patterns that work initially, fail later in life and furthermore life is a constant cycle of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons because as we grow those reasons won’t be able to support the next thing. The foundation of your identity breaks down because it was built on something that seemed to be true, which became false.You really can’t tell if the reasons are wrong if you get the right results.

You have to factor a certain bit of luck as well because sometimes your reason for doing something may be correct, for a longer time, and if you are you’ll just have to push the reason as hard as you until you and your reason inevitably breaks and then you begin the process again.

This isn’t meant to be some sort of sob story, and I feel like the point is that the life demands change and previous solutions stop working after sometime. Also you can learn life through the particulars so in this case it’s this specific issue, so I hope you can take this as way of figuring it out when shit hits the fence.

So did everyone know you don’t have to earn love? with my life I saw it improve in a proportional rate as I improve myself, started life everyone hated me , not sure if this is true but it really felt like . It was like I was the reserved bad kid, while Jeff was good. In elementary I don’t think I’ve gone a single day without anyone saying “be like Jeff” teachers, peers and parents, so after grade 6. I got my shit together, I remember being in India, and I never wanted to be defined as bad anymore, I feel like that’s a conscious thought I had, I really didn’t want to be the “bad” kid anymore. I more friends, still wasn’t great and I felt lik emy family liked me more too.

come highschool I had two friends Ibra and Martin, that like dme for me, and we are great friends and then I kept getting better like holistically. I wrote jokes, got a lot funner worked out, I looked alot better, and I kept getting good grades at this point I was pretty good at coding too. I saw that I got more love than never before. By grade 12 I was invited to parties, and people actually wanted to be around me. It felt great — and I kept going first year uni, just grinding my ass off after I got a student leadership position people messed with me so much and it’s like sometimes I got love from people I didn’t even know, so I really thought it was proportional and now all the sudden it seems like some people liked me for me and I just can’t no matter how hard I try, pick people to love me. Though this may seem pretty obvious, even looking back now, I still expected more love from people as I became better. Once this settled on me, it felt like my world came crashing down because I felt like I had no control anymore. I was only holding on by a thread and it got cut by a knife of uncertainty. My parents are always telling me to think less, but like I’m not too sold on liking myself for myself because if I stop “improving” won’t all this just go away? I’m not sure if I have to work harder but like is it even possible to love someone for themselves, frankly I don’t even know that means. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about what I’d do if I didn’t have to earn peoples’ love, honestly this argument kinda doesn’t make sense from the other side since I wouldn’t stop loving my mom if she stopped living, since that might be the opposite of self improvement or perhaps regressing into some horrible disease.

How about my friends I have friend that’s hooked on coke but I love bro and I’ve told him that I ‘m there if if he needs me.

So maybe after a certain point of personal entanglement you don’t have to constantly improve. It’s nice to know that people will be there even if I fall off., but what if I disappoint them?

I’ve been taking note of people that piss me off, not because they’re mean or anything but something about their life just annoys me so much and I was always wondering why? since I don’t want to be pissed at anyone for no reason and when we’re pissed its tells us more about ourselves. I think the answer is because they’re not trying hard enough aka, they are enjoying life, and maybe thats the reason that’s so repulsive is because they get love from people and they don’t even work for it.

I guess that’s possible, but I’m still grappling this idea, because sure like it seems idealistic that you can love people for they are , but what if they are just terrible people, more so what if on the inside I’m just a terrible person.

Maybe if I can accept people for what they are, I’ll be able to accept myself.