Insecurity. I used to be so insecure about my height I’d think about it 24/7. All the time, I was always worried that I wouldn’t grow. I’m not that tall I’m under average height. I’m short, I used to stretch in the morning and night. I read a book on how to get taller. There was this hypnotism thing to get taller. None of those things worked, maybe I grew an inch or 2 from grade 10 to 12.
One time I remembered thinking what if I just stop caring about height. This was like 16 years old I still had some hope left. If I stopped caring about height there was a chance I’d never get to be the golden mark of 6 feet tall. There was a contradiction here, if I stopped caring I’d just live on, if I kept caring I’d try and try and try and stay the same height, but I would still have a shot. This idea can be extended to everything. The Buddha said desire is the cause of all suffering. If there is no will get to get taller then I don’t need to suffer. However doesn’t that just lead to an empty life? I always thought one of the great things in life is being able to experience a range of experiences and emotions. But anyway back to this. I watched a YouTube video on how Nietzsche didn’t like Christianity or the New Testament specifically because the idea of forgiveness. He equated forgiveness as being not being able to take action upon our oppressors instead say we forgive. Essentially being a coward.
I'm haven't drawn any conclusions on Nietzsche's criticism, however the fear of being short was just holding me back. The insecurity did not lead to any good. It was like carrying a weight around for no purpose. Even now there are things I'm insecure about like not being smart, or not being exactly where I planned at the start of the year, but least these insecurities drive me. If I grade 10 Jess could see me now he would be happy because I grew so much, not in inches but in life.
I really wish I could have done a better job writing this post. I'm trying to articulate how insecurities are sometimes good and sometimes bad, like swimming against the tide, sometimes you gotta go with the current.
I'll redo this one in the summer for sure!