July 5th 2024
The best way I can describe the existential angst I experience is through the image of a fractal. It looks like fractal (see below) and when you zoom in it looks like fractal Its a constant cycle of the same picture over and over again, no matter where you look. This isn’t just found in the repetition of activity , more so the cycle of intellect every time I have some idea of the truth or virtue. It gets shaken up within weeks I’ve noticed I try and go in deep to explore ideas, but I’m having trouble finding any rational footing.
I have a feeling that virtue might only exist in a context and that there is no basis for it. Truth itself seems to have no basis, we can’t even trust our senses (dreams, what if I just wake up right now? ). The only solid thing I’ve learnt is to search for the truth unceasingly.
In many ways it has brought me sorrow, but it gives me hope that I may be converging on some truth, and the truth maybe that it just isn’t definable.
Maybe life is beyond truth in some capacity perhaps only a part of it can be analyzed. I don’t know even know if other people exist outside of my mind. If you look at life itself and consider the acquisition of truth, ie the best way to live life. You risk losing out on life as it is something to experienced. Even on the darkest days, when the sun rises it looks beautiful. It’s like a gentle reminder for hope and that life can only be better and perhaps that is a lie, for it is not something that can be rationally broken down by the truth. There exists no evidence that tomorrow will be better, lest we hope, and through that hope we bring the better into existence.
We tell ourselves a bold lie of doing things thought impossible, to conclude maybe truth isn’t a form of perfection rather truth is realized through actions and what you seen in your own heart.
Speaking through this there is no experience worth barring, but there are, rules & regulations and a boat load of philosophy to help you work through this. When people engage in ethically questionable actions. I freeze up not knowing what to do, but part of me, wants to engage in degeneracy. I’m not sure if that is my own will or of thepole around me.
Note : I don’t think the above is very clear but I still wanted to publish this