This may be the realest thing I’ve ever shared on this blog, if you look carefully at my writing, you may be able to see hints of it. Change , Change part II, 2 PM thoughts, Unconditional Love.
I loved this girl a lot, and I’m not sure if it counts if I didn’t date her maybe I’m just hallucinating parts of it.
I loved the way she smiled, the way she made fun of my speech, and when she laughed I feel like everything stopped for second. I’m sure she had flaws too, but I didn’t really see it as an issue. Whenever girls take off their makeup, I’m always a little taken aback about how different they look, but with her, she looks even better without makeup and her jet black hair. She’s so caring and smart, she thinks analytically about life ( just like me). I’d say she’s one of the the first people I could talk to about my ideas, that I now share on the blog. When I talk to her I just feel so warm inside.
When she said she didn’t want to be with me, I honestly couldn’t stop crying, and I didn’t even know I liked her wholeheartedly until I realized what she was saying. I was surprised to be crying like all the time, It was pretty embarrassing. I was at work, and my chest hurt so much so I went for a walk. I’m sitting in the little nature area, surrounded with skyscrapers in all directions. I felt like I was suffocating. It felt like a concrete jungle with me as a monkey, while everyone walked past me. My manager happened to come outside at just the right time (this guy never leaves work early). I forget exactly what he said, but KABLAM! I burst into tears, and I couldn’t make it stop. At this point I’m like “BRO” like c’mon, get your act together, but it wasn’t working. My manager said do you want to talk about it, and I literally told him “ I liked this girl, she doesn’t want to be with me, but I don’t know why I’m crying, like it’s a reasonable thing for her to say no, but I feel like my head gets it but my heart is lagging behind”.
I told my mother that I really liked this girl and she said “Always think about the long term, even if the people you meet are looking for fun”. It’s important to consider that the person is going to be with you for the next 70 years, to put that into perspective, I can change my career at anypoint in time if I go to school for 5 years. Now with this math, choosing the right partner is like 14 times more important than your career (5 * 14 = 70). I honestly think I struck the lottery, she was everything I wanted, maybe there were a little issues here and there, but we all have issues, mainly everything aligned. ALL BUT ONE, SHE DIDN’T WANT ME. Which is comically critical, that’s honestly one thing you need for it to even fail. It is what it is, I’ll have to find another girl : (
I miss her alot, but I feel like it’s exemplified due to the nature of my personality. I feel like in a way I’m giving up on her, and that pisses me off so much. I know a relationship is hard, and that’s exactly why I don’t want to give up. I’m always thinking about different angles to get her back. Is there XY and Z, that I could do? What’s something I haven’t’ tried? This is the same way I think about everything, if there’s a stone left unturned then I haven’t failed, I’m just quitting. The thing that bothers me is that maybe I’m missing out on a connection with someone else, but ] who cares, if I’m gonna quit on her too, then there’s no point, but I mean she said No to a relationship, so maybe it is time to pivot, but in the future, I’ll have to do this exercise again. Deep down, every time I quit anything I feel like a part of me is dying.
Why did I fail? Why doesn’t she want be in a relationship with me?
I wish I didn’t lie to her about the way I felt. This could have been less painful or even workout,if I told her I wanted to be with her. I’m not sure why but when I was younger I was trying to “game” the system, but I’m not sure if it works if you want to get married to them, it might just be for adolescents looking for entertainment. This reinforces the idea of always telling the truth, and being ethical at all times, no matter the cost.
It must the qualities that I don’t possess ( assume looks as a quality). There are two types of qualities that I can never have, qualities that you are born with, and the second, qualities that I don’t wish to embody. I’m fine with letting her go if she is into those qualities. I can’t change reality and I’m not willing to compromise my ethics. That leaves us with one set of qualities: those I value and am pursuant of. Following that, I just have to be the best I can be, so then I can be deserving of a relationship. I think this is reality, maybe she still doesn’t like me but at that point there must be girls that like the virtues that I’ve chosen to cultivate. Honestly I don’t want to go to through the pain of not being enough. To conclude Charlie Munger said this concisely
To find a worthy mate, be worthy of a worthy mate
- Charlie Munger
I think this is a the path that I’m on, so I need to go harder than ever. This isn’t the first time I’ve come to this conclusion, this conversation happens daily in my head. In Fact the problems I have, always lead to just being better. Generalizing the quote in a weird way, I have to be worthy of living as well, because life is just so beautiful. I miss her a bunch, but life will move on regardless, and how can I complain when I wake up everyday? Every single day is another chance to do my best, and I’m very happy with that.
Thank you for your readership, I’m writing this transparently because my readers deserve the best.
ASIDE
I want to start posting on instagram so I can get more out there, but I don’t want my writing to be not as personal. The solution I came up with is this post, this is by far the most personal thing I’ve shared, and if I can have enough balls for people to judge me on instagram, because this does paint me to be a loser, and I know people are going to make fun of me, but on the bright side if I share this then everything else I share on instagram will not compare to how personal this post is. It is what it is, I am quite embarrassed but this is the real me.
Paragraph that didn’t make the cut
I feel like this is such a big issue for guys, I feel like every 3rd conversation is about finding a wife. One thing that is not talked about enough is the level of maturity you need to have a relationship on both sides. Essentially, Are you ready to spend the next 70 years together?, maybe I should start asking that on the second date ( joke). How can I expect a girl to answer that question, when I can’t do it myself? Even with the girl outlined above, there’s nothing I would change about her, but would I say I’m mature enough to make that decision? The only way would be is to commit and find out, or maybe wait till your wiser?
When I was in love, I feel like I lost all sense of my rationality. The best way I describe is that everything was good no matter what, like I had a broken foot, but like I don’t remember being sad about it as much as I do about talking to her, and I’m aware that it only lasts a couple months or a year, but it was pretty dope feeling. Top 10 moments for sure !
I feel like this is going to be weird conversation when I find a new girl but it is what it is.
A true philosopher! ❤️🙏